(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?