[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Perfect
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
それは草
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m calling the cops.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”