@patrickmarkryan: *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"
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@Kaladas4U2NV: I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
@AimByWhiskey: My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
@ConorTripler: my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.