@patrickmarkryan: *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"
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@aka_fatman: "What does your mother do for a living?" "She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."
@calamitydaisy: I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
@Bexdora: INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically? ME: IN: Is this an ability you have always had? ME: IN: Please say something.
@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.