@patrickmarkryan: *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"
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@VerifiedDrunk: Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
@zachreinert03: I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
@MelvinofYork: I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
@sexypitabread: 2015:hey how's it going so far? 2016:uh good 15: 16: 15:you've got an armed mili- 16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah