*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna