sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.