(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
No. YOU-buprofen.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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jackfruit: oh nothing
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.