Finally a use for spoilers…
You Might Also Like
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
water it, i dare you
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed