Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Ooops wrong house😂😜
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*