A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
first you must answer his riddles
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af