[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.