Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”