FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Always leave the cult better than you found it.