“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Nose
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
the official breakfast of 2021
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together