Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Going into Monday like
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.