Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Oh my God.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.