Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.