Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.