@AndyAsAdjective: Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
@Scarlet_Rose67: Me: I have a younger sister but she's nothing like me. Him: Wow, she sounds perfect.