Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Come back with a warrant
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Super Hand Dog Face
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.