Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
(Jupiter –
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).