*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those