*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.