* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
paddle faster i hear baby shark
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”