"fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"

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@murrman5: "fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"

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@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible

269

@huntigula: why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

315

@HumorParasite: Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL

@NolaChef504: ATMs should have breathalyzers

@heatherlou_: Why couldn't I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

1218

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