@williamwanton: *fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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@UNTRESOR: Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
@KalvinMacleod: [ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone
@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
@Breadery: Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.