@williamwanton: *fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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@jackiembouvier: [First date] Me: So, I've been married for 12 years - Him: You're married?? Me: Is that a problem?
@squirrel74wkgn: I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
@Book_Krazy: Me: Do you have any dreams? Him:...I'm running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes... Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT