“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved