excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Jupiter
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?