*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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#parenting
Best seat on the street 😍
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.