@stevevsninjas: *fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
@GibJimson: You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
@Cheeseboy22: Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.