Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
this is so top tier i cant
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”