FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
3% human
97% stress
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time