fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
decorating my apartment
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Godzilla was the first house flipper.