[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
This will never not be funny 😭
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.