I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently