FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
m’lady
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”