fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.