“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!