[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[scooby doo鈥檚 wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I鈥檝e moved. He鈥檚 been lying there for 5 hours. We鈥檙e both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It鈥檚 a yes from me, pal.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother鈥檚 Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have 鈥榚m check for you and they act like they don鈥檛 know what sausage is
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Now that鈥檚 a Halloween costume! 馃ぉ
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that鈥檚 fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn鈥檛 say why I ran out of legs.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it鈥檚 just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”