[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
You Might Also Like
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*