If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!