DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped