[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
You Might Also Like
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.