[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
You Might Also Like
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
My neck, my back, my…
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Liquor Store Parking
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.