[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
real
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast