[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
fly smarter, not harder
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?