[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no