[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
We’ve come full circle
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.