[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe