Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever