[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The funk soul brother
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.