Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Florida be like…
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice