FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Haha! 😂
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
the best thing i’ve ever made
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”