*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Sharon, call the vet
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.